The ACT, As Read By The Literary Greats

A literary giant takes the ACT center stage…

“This section of the test, Section 4, as it is called, is thirty-five minutes long. Section 4 is the reading and comprehension portion of this test. It is a part of the ACT that has seen its share of highs and low, with the highs being the Ray Bradbury essays, the articles about how an igloo is properly built, mosaics, my God, the mosaics of India being spoken of in a depth that no other piece of written work has truly encapsulated since those glorious days; but now, as it can be clearly seen, time erodes, places, people, and yes, Section 4 of this test; gone are the days of glory in which test takers can revel and enjoy a good reading about the nomenclatures of a particular bug, one of which the name escapes me at this moment, on the eastern island of New Zealand calls home, and it has been replaced by something lacking, in this instruction writer’s eyes, with the likes of an excerpt from a short story written by a no talent writer like Hemingway, who has never met a simple sentence he did not take up and nurture like a small child, or in Ernest’s case, a whiskey bottle.”

• William Faulkner, ACT Instruction Writer

 

Then the poets get in on the act (no pun intended)…

Section 1 and Section 2 and Section 3 and Section 4 and I are all one.

All atoms of the earth, individual moments but the same.

Section 4 is where we are and who we are.

Our hearts beating as one.

We will sing the song of Section 4 together, melodiously.

Section 3, will be looked upon kindly, but will not be reckon’d at this time.

To live in the moment is to be a part of the earth in its present splendor.

Right now, the time for Section 4 is here and that alone will delight.

• Walt Whitman, ACT Instruction Writer

 

Because I could not stop for Section 2 –

Section 2 kindly stopped for me –

The classroom will hold 20 students –

And a painful Eternity.

Section 2 slowly drove – At a 45 minute pace

And my calculator I had put away

My labor on Section 1 and leisure too,

For Section 2’s Civility –

• Emily Dickinson, ACT Instruction Writer

 

Contemporary fiction then reared its counterculture head…

“1^st rule of ACT Club: You do not talk during the ACT.

2^nd rule of ACT Club: YOU DO NOT TALK DURING THE ACT.

3^RD rule of ACT Club: If someone says “stop” or goes limp, taps out the fight is over…and so is the section.

4^th rule of ACT Club: Only 25 students to a room.

5^th rule of ACT Club: Only one section at a time.

6^th rule of ACT Club: No cell phones, no TI 83 calculators.

7^th rule of ACT Club: Fights will go on as long as they have to, but you only have a specific amount of time to finish each section.

8^th rule of ACT Club: If this is your first time taking the ACT, you HAVE to fight…as well as fill out the online login information before taking the test. Once you have done so, it will be saved for tests you wish to take in the future.”

• Chuck Palahniuk, ACT Instruction Writer

 

And last, but not least, in this installment, straight from the depths of the mind’s abyss, Pulp Fiction drops by to cheerfully say “ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn”…

“The instructions to this test come from a manuscript that was written by a monk who, immediately after writing these cursed words, went mad and sealed himself up in the wall of a monastery that burned to the ground in the late 1500s.

These instructions for the Cult of the ACT came into my possession in November of 1914. I had received a letter from the executioner of my late great uncle’s estate that my presence was requested for the reading of the will, and my great uncle, having no other relatives than that of myself had bequeathed me a large, ornate chest with strange markings on the lid. The chest was sealed; however, the conundrum was that there was no latch or lock that was visible in order to see the contents of the chest. As I gently tapped and felt around the edges of the box, there was a sensation, as if something was scratching at the dark recesses of my mind. As the sensation grew stronger, I could see in my mind’s eye that there were to be four sections of a test and each section would measure the academics of individuals in the areas of grammar, reading, arithmetic, and the sciences. As soon as this occurrence came over me, I suddenly became light headed and swooned.

The chest sat in my study the next three weeks as my fear of the chest soon grew to passive boredom of the chest and soon the odd piece was relegated to that of a conversation piece. It was during this time that a Dr. William Harland contacted me in regards to the chest and wished to make a visit to see the chest in person. Upon examination of the chest, Dr. Harland gasped and I watched at first in curiosity, but that soon turned to horror as the doctor’s eyes rolled back into his head and he began chanting:

‘mglw’nafh Cthulhu Section wgah’naglThree fhtagn Sixtyminutes.’

After uttering this several times, the good doctor clutched his throat, fell over, and started to convulse. I rushed to aid the man, but as quickly as he had been overcome by the mysterious ailments, he was dead.

After months of trial and error, and after not only Dr. Harland’s death, but the strange and mysterious deaths of several of the doctor’s colleagues, I was finally able to open the chest and inside was the manuscript that I have aforementioned. The forbidden knowledge contained in this manuscript harkened to the followers of a long forgotten Old One and gave a list of commandments for followers of this ancient cult. These commandments are as follows:

1. Those who are to take up the mantle of the Cult of ACT must vow to remain silent during the ceremony, else be punished by having the soul ripped from the mortal coil.
2. The Cult of ACT demands that one must offer complete obedience to the cult and to follow, without question, the order in which the ceremonies of the cult are to be performed.
3. To use anything other than the unholy objects of the Cult of ACT is punishable by death.
4. A photo ID must be presented in order to gain access to the Cult of ACT.

Because I have learned of this cult, I fear for my own safety and the safety of anyone who has come in contact with me or the manuscript. The Cult of ACT, which I thought to be from a long forgotten past, is alive and thriving in the modern world, and I fear that because of my sharing the contents of the manuscript, that my time is drawing to an end. I fear there is more to this manuscript, but to understand all that has been written is utter madness in itself, and that understanding will only lead to an individual staring into an abyss in which there are terrors that the mortal mind cannot fathom without shattering.”

• H.P. Lovecraft, ACT Instruction Writer

I think we’re on to something…

While administering the ACT a few weeks ago, I found myself staring vacantly at the ceiling while the students were diligently marking bubbles on a piece of paper that had a great deal of importance regarding their futures. Due to the fact I could not read anything aside from the directions in the ACT manual, I begin imagining how those directions would be written if famous others would have written them. What started as a quirky little outlet for my creativity that should have probably died off after the first couple of examples I thought of, soon became something much greater. Two weeks have went by and I am still rattling these instructions around in my head:

It started innocently enough…

While administering the ACT today, I passed the time by imagining how famous authors would have written the ACT instructions:

“When you have completed Section 3, you may check your answers only for Section 3, as the time for checking answers for Section 2 has gone by the wayside, much like the wasted valor of all those brave boys, for boys were all they were, who died in places like the Somme, Verdun, and Cambrai…”

– Ernest Hemingway, ACT Instruction Writer

I was just passing the time while administering the ACT…

“Fiends! Madmen! The strike of the clock warrants the ushering in of the phantasmagoric, the diabolical, and that which no sane mortal being could understand. Behold! There are three hundred seconds, five rotations of the minute hand until Section 2 is but a shadowy memory of which you can only mourn for, sheltered away in your soul’s own private abyss.”

– Edgar Allan Poe, ACT Instruction Writer

What was supposed to be something to keep me entertained…

“The ACT is to be completed independently. Failure to comply will result in a forfeiture of your score. You are to work on this test alone, unlike moving through an uncaring Yukon wilderness, where the rule is to travel with a companion, so as one can build a fire in the event that an accident may occur. You will have 60 minutes to complete this section. Sixty minutes, a reminder that it can drop to sixty below zero when a man is this far north. But the camp is ten miles away and if one keeps moving, a man can make it to camp and be with the boys by sundown.”

– Jack London, ACT Instruction Writer

Has blossomed into something so much more…

“You will not talk or laugh or moo.
You will only use a Pencil #2
You will not copy and/or cheat.
You will not use a scratch sheet.
You will not have a cell phone.
You will look at no one’s test but your own.
You will follow all the rules of the ACT.
You will follow them all, yessiree.”

– Dr. Seuss, ACT Instruction Writer

And now, I may have found my literary calling…

“These directions need to be read, and I figure that I am as qualified as any other sonofabitch to do the reading. Section Two. The letters are bold, enticing, comfortable. Something tells me that this is going to take 45 minutes. It may have been the words on the paper, or the mescaline, I’ll never be sure, but 45 minutes seemed like the right time to tell these poor bastards that’s how long they have to fulfill their destinies. Don’t look back to Section One when you’re finished, there are bigger things in this world to drive towards than a part of this test that is nothing more than a speck of nothing in your rearview. The hell with it all, take as long as you want. Deadlines don’t mean a thing when you are greatness.”

– Hunter S. Thompson, ACT Instruction Writer

I do hope you get as many laughs reading these as I do coming up with them…

“Place your answer document so that page 1 faces you,” the test booklet ordered.

I felt a shiver of excitement coarse through my veins as I followed my instructions.

“Open your Taking the ACT booklet to page 5. Then follow the instructions in the booklet to complete the requested information in Blocks A through H.”

I had never felt so powerless and empowered at the same time. This test commanded my every thought, inhibition, and action. The words echoed in my being down to my very core. I could feel my body temperature rising. I was very turned on.

I thought I might be a little naughty at this point by skipping over Block B on page 1, when the test quickly put me in my place and let me know what was in control.

“Even if your document has a barcode label, you must fill in Blocks A, B, and D on page 1 completely and accurately.”

I quickly forgot any desires I had. The test was the master, and I was its slave. The only pleasure that would be derived today was to be due to my pain. That thought almost brought me to orgasm by itself.

“If you have a question, raise your hand. When you have completed Blocks A through H, put your pencil down and look up…”

I obeyed. I will always obey.

– E.L. James, ACT Instruction Writer, “50 Shades of Gray-C-T”

 

There’s more to come. No author, living or dead, is safe from ACT Instruction As Written By The Greats (Working title)